Creative Writing

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Solitare is My Favorite Game


When you are in high school, everything important tends to hang anxiously on relationship status. Usually high school girls are the ones who depend greatly on a boy to make them happy. I was no exception to this assumption.
In October of 2003 I turned seventeen. I had a great boyfriend, I was a starter on the Varsity Women’s Field Hockey team and eventually was voted Most Humorous in my senior class. For a senior in high school with no real exposure to the any other lifestyle, life was good. The only thing I was truly focused on was my relationship with Alex and where it was going. In my mind, we were going to get married and live a long happy life together. In my mind, everything was perfect. Our peers thought the same way, jaded by the disillusionment of high school. With everyone telling me what I wanted to hear versus what I needed to hear, I was completely immersed in a day dream.
Jump to today and I’m not with Alex. He is now a Marine at Camp Pendleton. I haven’t talked to him in a while. I haven’t had any other boyfriends since Alex. It’s not that I never wanted one again, but when you start to truly grow up you realize what you really want in a significant other. I do not consider settling a form of true love. I don’t settle. I know what I have in mind and I’m waiting for it.
Alex and I were together throughout my first year of college. We found ourselves in difficult situations. He went to Long Beach State, which isn’t too far away, but the transition from seeing each other everyday to being limited to only weekend visits was trying on both of us. Our relationship seemed promising when summer finally came and nothing seemed wrong. Most of our summer days and nights were spent together at his apartment. We watched movies, went to dinner, and that was about it. In all actuality, our relationship became boring. It was boring but safe. So that’s why I stayed in it. I needed to feel like I wouldn’t be lonely forever.
Of course I get lonely sometimes and get jealous when my friends find someone, but I can’t control it. There is a lot of pressure at this age to find someone and be secure. At this moment I know of eight different couples who are engaged to be married. I also went to the wedding of two nineteen-year olds only one year out of high school. With all of these occurrences happening all around me, its’ hard not to get discouraged from time to time.
However, being in college for the first time as a single woman has really changed my lifestyle. I am able to confidently explore my options for my future without having to add in the relationship factor. Even though my phone is not ringing off the hook with gentleman wanting my attention, I’m secure with the fact that it will ring eventually and someone important will be on the other end. I like being able to hang out with my friends with no interruptions. I like to try new things with new people. Although not all relationships limit you from doing these things, most of them do.
Alex and I broke up in an extremely immature manner. He decided to end things with me five minutes before he left for work. While I sat on his bed not believing any of it, he got ready and brushed his teeth.
“Listen,” he said, “you can stay here if you want. You’re kind of emotional. I don’t want you driving like this. I’ll be back at nine if you want to talk or something. Bye.” He turned and opened the door.
“Wait, uh, Alex…” I tried to make a complete sentence before he was gone. It didn’t work. He left and after about thirty minutes, I did too. I thought I was going to die. My life was over and there was nothing I could do to change it. My friends told me the obligatory reassurances:
“You’ll find someone else.”
“There are plenty of fish in the sea.”
“He just wasn’t the one for you.”
“You’re better off!”
Normally, people don’t listen to these cliché statements which are routinely made to the freshly brokenhearted. Their words are void compared to the aching pain in their chest. People should definitely listen to these small pieces of advice more often.
Presently, I am at ease with being single. There is nothing about my life that I would change at the moment. I live with three amazing friends and have many more that I hang out with on a regular basis. I have made more changes with my major, my future, and my goals than ever before and I feel good about each decision I’ve made. I won’t be single forever, but for now, I am and that is pretty cool.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

There have been many points in my life when I was in pain; when I couldn’t breathe, when my eyes were stinging, when my stomach hurt. There have been many times in my life when I cried and wiped away spontaneous tears while screaming the word stop repeatedly. At these moments, I was laughing hysterically. I was happy. I was myself. These times were shared with my best friend Ashley Rose Turner and they were the best times of my life.
Sitting in American History class my junior year of high school things looked pretty dismal. The blank, white walls laughed at me because I was stuck here, made to study a subject I held no interest in. I knew a few people in the class, but weren’t very close with any of them. Ashley sat next to me, pale skinned and dark haired, quite, but smiling. We were acquaintances, politely exchanging ‘hello’s and laughing at Mr. Coleman’s wild antics. We enjoyed each other’s company in class and that was it, no other real effort was made to hang out until later.
Ashley and I began hanging out more and more, connecting on different levels and just being ourselves together. We hung out at her house, listening to music, watching movies, planning on writing a novel together, building our lives around being best friends. We went to lunch together, In-N-Out, to be precise and inhaled cheeseburgers while washing them down our adolescent throats with cool Dr. Pepper. We went everywhere together. Ashley and I were inseparable. Then, it happened.
Ashley has heinous parents; the kind who set a curfew, then calls three hours before it and told her to come home “just because.” The kind of parents that never talked to their daughter’s friends when they were over, the kind that were enemies rather than friends. Ashley never trusted her parents and never told them anything. This still is true today. So, when Ashley found out she was pregnant, and I was the only one there, I was automatically obligated to hold her secret close to my heart. That was the moment in my life when I knew that everything was going to change.
Needless to say, we went through our fair share of situations that made us grow up much too fast. We cried more tears than I thought either one of us could produce. We became each others strong holds to get through circumstances no sixteen-year-olds should go through. I can honestly say that one of the most emotional times of my life was shared with someone weaker than me. In this way, I thank Ashley for forcing me to be stronger.
When I moved to school, it was hard for both of us to find time for each other again. At this point, Ashley’s parents knew about the pregnancy, so Ashley was on house arrest. She was able to visit once, and I would try to come home when I could and hang out, but things were different. Awkward silences ensued consistently at her house, as well as the intolerable feeling that I wasn’t wanted around the Turner residence. I wouldn’t say Ashley and I grew apart, but we hit a plateau in our friendship, just waiting for it to sky-rocket again, and it would.
I would say that Ashley and I have grown closer just within this last year. Maybe it is because this has been the first time in a long time that I haven’t been jaded by a boyfriend. Being single always helps. We went to shows, took photographs, spent days doing nothing, and watched movies. Ashley and I talked daily and our friendship grew fast and strong. Everything was perfect. Then she called me and told me what I never wanted to hear.
“I’m moving to New Mexico.”
Apparently, Ashley loves shaking our relationship up every once in a while.
I didn’t know what to think and to be honest none of it hit me until she was already gone. There was nothing you could say that would convince me it was true. I didn’t believe her until it was happening. We had a large party, spent as much time as we could together, but somehow it still feels like it wasn’t enough. The saying, “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” never applied to Ashley. I knew what I had and I never wanted it to leave.
August 7, 2006 Ashley moved to New Mexico. We talk almost daily. We cry more tears than I thought either of us could produce. We are each other’s strong holds and are still ourselves together. There are still times when I am in pain, when I can’t breathe, when my eyes are stinging and when my stomach hurts. There are still times when I wipe away spontaneous tears while screaming the word stop repeatedly. And although she isn’t here with me, Ashley will always be the best moments of my life.

Monday, September 11, 2006

There have been many points in my life when I was in pain; when I couldn’t breathe, when my eyes were stinging, when my stomach hurt. There have been many times in my life when I cried and wiped away spontaneous tears while screaming the word stop repeatedly. At these moments, I was laughing hysterically and they were the best moments of my life. These times were shared with my best friend Ashley Rose Turner.
Sitting in American History class my junior year of high school things looked pretty dismal. The blank, white walls laughed at me because I was stuck here, made to study a subject I held no interest in. Ashley sat next to me, pale skinned and dark haired, quite, but smiling. We were acquaintances, politely exchanging ‘hello’s and laughing at Mr. Coleman’s wild antics. We enjoyed each other’s company in class and that was it, no other real effort was made to hang out until later.
Ashley and I began hanging out more and more, connecting on different levels and just being ourselves together. We went through our fair share of situations that made us grow up much too fast. We cried more tears than I thought either one of us could produce. We became each others strong holds to get through circumstances no sixteen-year-olds should go through. Without each other, we would be very different.
When I moved to school, it was hard on both of us to find time for each other again. She came to visit once, and I would try to come home when I could and hang out, but things were different. I wouldn’t say we grew apart, but we hit a plateau in our friendship, just waiting for it to sky-rocket again, and it would.
I would say that Ashley and I have grown closer just within this last year. Maybe it is because this has been the first time in a long time that I haven’t been jaded by a boyfriend. Being single always helps. Ashley and I talked almost daily and our friendship grew fast and strong. Then she called me and told me what I never wanted to hear.
“I’m moving to New Mexico.”
I didn’t know what to think and to be honest none of it hit me until she was already gone. There was nothing you could say that would convince me it was true. I didn’t believe her until it was happening. We had a large party, spent as much time as we could together, but somehow it still feels like it wasn’t enough. The saying, “you don’t know what you've got until it’s gone” never applied to Ashley. I knew what I had and I never wanted it to leave.
August 7, 2006 Ashley moved to New Mexico. We talk almost daily. We cry more tears than I thought either of us could produce. We are each other’s strong holds and are still ourselves together. There are still times when I am in pain, when I can’t breathe, when my eyes are stinging and when my stomach hurts. There are still times when I wipe away spontaneous tears while screaming the word stop repeatedly. And although she isn’t here with me, Ashley will always be the best moments of my life.

Monday, September 04, 2006

From the time I started kindergarten until about two years ago, I was boy crazy. As I mature things have changed, obviously. I have had many a crush, for various, ridiculous reasons. But there will always be that one person who still gives you butterflies everything you see them. The person who gives you more than just a nice conversation without even knowing it when they talk to you in the hallways; the alumni who attends the homecoming game and still makes your breath stop and your stomach plummet when your eyes meet. For me, that person was Casey Wilkes, my first crush. Casey's blonde, straight hair constantly reminded me of a Finesse commercial at its best while his smile was nothing short of perfect. Casey Wilkes was quarterback on the football team, homecoming king, and on ASB. Although I never really talked to him about anything truly important, my days during my freshman year of high school were spent swooning from afar. I knew that Casey and I would never be together, and that was okay with me. Just liking him was good enough for me.